We made it to the end of 2016! Hooray, it’s smooth sailing from here, right? Right? Um, at any rate, I wanted to give a special shout out to the pundits. While there is plenty of failure to go around, the soothsayers and seers of the pundit class deserve a special failure award for their 2016 performance.
Everyone seems so ready to be done with 2016, but I’m a little more concerned about what’s in store for 2017. Come January 20th, Trump will be a real, live president and not a president-elect. Seems only fitting to do a holiday homage to the best animated Christmas show, ever. (Sacrilege, I know, but I really couldn’t resist.)
With the Trump transition team trickling out cabinet picks, thousands of Administration jobs are ripe for the picking. (Ben Carson, if you’re reading this: Donald Trump is trying to reach you, pick up your phone!) From “moderate” picks as Trump kinda’ sorta’ tries to reach out to his former opponents and critics, to an alt-right white nationalist (let’s just say it, “neo-Nazi”) sympathizer, the President Elect is slowly trying to build a team.
The grand Donald Trump Administration transition-to-the-White-House is underway. Trump already seems to be running his Administration like a business, a very chaotic business filled with nepotism and infighting, but a business nonetheless. Since Republicans and Democrats are equally dazed for varying reasons, I thought it’s high time we check in with Dogboy and Mr. Dan.
Wha’ happened? What an awful, strange, crazy, mind-boggling election. Am I missing something, or did we just elect a real estate developer/reality show star who campaigned on xenophobia, racism and bullying while recorded evidence (and scores of accusers) revealed a history of sexual assault?
After what seems like twenty long years of primary campaigning and another ten years of general election campaigning, election day is nearly upon us. Seems like just yesterday that Jeb Bush had this thing locked up with his horribly-named “shock and awe” fundraising strategy.
When Donald Trump warns of a rigged election depriving him of the White House, his call to arms will most likely be a call to his lawyers. Judging by his track record, surely there has never been a more sue-happy nominee for president. If voters don’t cooperate by Making America Great Again, maybe The Donald can sue his way to the White House.
As the Orange Giant collapses upon itself, all news and insight disappears into the black hole of the current campaign universe. With each outlandish statement or unhinged tweet, the self-destructing star sucks up all available attention and oxygen.
Well, he just keeps getting creepier and creepier. Now that Donald Trump’s sexual assault history was made public with the Billy Bush tape, accounts of Trumpian assault are coming fast and furious. The Republican leadership that has supported him, of course, are shocked, SHOCKED at the behavior of their presidential nominee.
Who needs virtual reality now that we’ve got Absurd Reality? With all of the truly awful problems in the world, we in the United States seem to be deciding the presidency based on tweets, Miss Universe and politico/celebrity smack-downs. Granted, many of these rude dustups inform the voting public about the presidential candidates’ character and temperament, but contrasting the latest Trump outrage with world events is disturbing, to say the least.
Well, the first presidential debate didn’t go exactly as Donald Trump planned, even though he (and plenty of “voters” from Russia) claimed otherwise. No matter what you think about Hillary Clinton’s policies, she played Trump perfectly at the Hofstra University debate.
The Donald Trump speech style seems to be one perpetual political rant with frequent business venture plugs thrown in for good measure. Remember the Trump Steaks press conference? We were recently treated to the promise of a Grand Trump Announcement about his Birther status. The announcement quickly turned into an off-the-cuff advertisement for the brand-new Trump International Hotel in Washington, DC. (And endorsements by a number of Medal of Honor winners thrown in for good measure.)
It’s been a tough week for Hillary, between her “basket of deplorables” comment and her keeling over from pneumonia on September 11th. (I still, for the life of me, don’t understand why she said “I’m feeling great” about an hour after the keeling-over incident. A normal human may have said something like, “I have pneumonia, not feeling so good but I’m getting better!”)
Poor Little Suzie Newsykins, she’s trying so hard to keep up and make sense of her summer spent soaking up the presidential campaign. Little Suzie learns everything she knows from grownups, unfortunately. How the summer has flown by, why, it seems like just yesterday that Donald Trump was calling a judge of Mexican heritage unfit because of his Mexican heritage. (That was in June.)
After Donald Trump’s whirlwind diplomatic mission to Mexico, he is apparently still the same guy. Every time he is about to do something slightly grown-up and presidential, the pundits chatter with anticipation. Time and time again, he’s still Trump.
Donald Trump’s love of Russia, various strongmen and secrecy seems to be one of his (many) defining characteristics. With the revelation this week that Trump’s right-hand man, Paul Manafort, was listed on a secret ledger showing he received $12.7 million for his work supporting former Ukranian president, Viktor Yanukovych, the intrigue deepened. Never fear, though, The Donald brought in a top executive from Breitbart News to shape things up so things will surely calm down now, right?
In order to keep up with the flurry of Trump stories, satire now needs to happen in real time. It’s been a busy week for Donald Trump, who started his week by fighting with Khizr and Ghazala Khan. Going after parents who lost their son in the Iraq War wasn’t enough, though, Trump Co. news ranged from an itchy nuclear finger to blaming the victim to tangling with a crying baby.
What sounded like a wild conspiracy theory about, oh, three seconds ago, now sounds like a plausible explanation. Every time you think this presidential race can’t get any weirder, it does. It now sounds increasingly likely that the Russians hacked the DNC’s email, then helped release what they found to the world on the eve of the Democratic convention.
It’s hard to keep up with the parade of craziness coming out of the Republican convention in Cleveland. Leading up to the convention, Donald Trump implied President Obama is in league with cop-killers and terrorists, soon after, Rudy Giuliani ginned up the boogie-man factor by shouting, “you know who you are and we’re coming to get you!” (That doesn’t count various calls for Hillary Clinton’s imprisonment and execution by firing squad.) And it’s only Wednesday!
Now that the Juno spacecraft is orbiting Jupiter, we’ll soon find out what is under all of those colorful, striped clouds. What if it’s a wonderful planet that is a parallel Earth? Okay, I’m a sucker for imagining cosmic what-ifs.
If you thought the House Select Committee on Benghazi was the end of the Hillary investigations, guess again. Picture what will happen when you combine the partisanship and drive of Congressional Republicans with the scattershot, conspiratorial insanity of Donald Trump. The Donald just loves to ask questions and leave them hanging out there as delicious bait for a broad constituency.
With Speaker of the House, Paul Ryan, calling the #NoBillNoBreak sit-in a “publicity stunt,” let’s take a look at what Representative Ryan has been doing lately to get attention of his own. I actually feel kind of sorry for the guy. (Okay, not really.)
Hillary Clinton finally clinched the nomination, and Little Suzie Newsykins is back to tell you all about it. Those “18 million cracks in the glass ceiling” aren’t quite 18 million this go round but she did it after a long slog. (Hillary won the nomination with about three million fewer votes than she had when she lost the nomination in 2008.)
Now that Donald Trump has unloaded on the media yet again, maybe we should all just stop giving him so much attention. Must. Stop. Can’t. Stop. Can’t. Look. Away. Methinks Trump would hate the press even more if we stopped covering him.
Now that Donald Trump is in charge of the Republican Party and apparently already has a “mandate,” let’s imagine what the Republican convention in Cleveland will look like. This isn’t going to be a gauzy Mitt Romney, pack-the-stage-with-minorities-and-feature-the-up-and-coming-party-leaders sort of convention.
Right-Wing Ralphie is back, this time guiding us through how Donald Trump became Trump the Republican Nominee. Spoiler alert: this has been brewing for a long time, don’t just blame Indiana.
As the major presidential candidates are biting and scratching their way to get a majority of the delegates, let’s take a closer look at how those delegates are doled out. Simply put, a presidential candidate has to get a majority of the delegates to become the party’s nominee. But it’s not always quite that simple, as we’re seeing today.
Leading Republicans other that those named “Trump” or “Cruz” so want a viable alternative to the crazy town race currently under way. Speaker of the House, Paul Ryan, just crushed their dreams. The story goes that Ryan would make a more mainstream, palatable Republican presidential candidate.
Now that Trump has won Florida and is continuing his march to the GOP nomination (barring a Kasich or Cruz miracle), let’s review The Donald’s violent statements from his recent campaign rallies. Trump is again telling us we shouldn’t believe our own lying eyes and ears. He has been playing with some very dangerous fire and continues to tap dance around the truth.
It makes perfect sense that a few days after touting his penis size during a presidential debate, Donald J. Trump would display raw meat, wine and champagne at a press conference. Will there be a lion on a leash or bear wrestling next? Things seem to be getting a little more primeval in this campaign, at least on the Republican side.
Well, I guess the Republicans are done saying that Trump is just a novelty who will fade once the voting starts. Many candidates tolerated Donald Trump and tried to “rise above” his awful statements by pretending he wasn’t a serious threat. Remember when Ted Cruz called Trump “terrific” and said, “I think he speaks the truth?” Cruz isn’t saying that anymore.
I just couldn’t resist going after Hillary Clinton’s feminist attack crew, who may have cost her some votes in the New Hampshire primary. The comments by Madeleine Albright, Gloria Steinem and Bill Clinton are notable for their tone-deafness. I’m sure they all mean well, but I don’t think they’re doing candidate Clinton any favors with their feminist critiques.
Now that a couple of the tinier states in the Union are trying their best to decide the next leader of the free world, let’s take a look at what just happened in Iowa. It looks like God was really in Ted Cruz’s corner and helped him win the caucuses, but a few dirty tricks may have helped as well. (Say what you will about Donald Trump and his motivation, at least he is using his crazed reality show electoral soap box to draw some attention to the Cruz campaign’s shady tactics.)
Now that Donald Trump has declared he’ll skip Thursday's debate because he hates Fox News’ Megyn Kelly, he’s planning a big special Trump event that will compete for debate airtime. My guess is he’s going to double-down on the Sarah Palin endorsement.